2002-05-18 - 2:29 p.m.
Kevin Aucoin died. Rita told me last night on the way to San Francisco. She said, "Michelle, Kevin Au--how do you say his name? Kevin Aucoin died." I was at a complete blank. All I said was, "What? What do you mean? What? What?" She turned all the way around and faced me while I was driving. "I know it was always your dream to meet him and have your make-up done by him." Kevin wasn't just a make-up artist- he was an ARTIST. I can't begin to describe how much he has taught me, inspired me, and built my confidence. Kyle called me this morning to tell me the same thing. "Michelle, did you hear?" he said. "Yeah, I did. Rita told me last night." He went on, "I'm sorry, I know how much you liked him." When someone you idolize and look up to is gone, it's like a ton of bricks to your head. When I first got his book a few years ago, I would sit in front of a mirror with it on the ground next to me, and think, "Who do I want to be today?" I would flip through the pages and look at his work, and read what he had to say. I few months ago when Vesnja came to stay with us from Croatia, because she's an actress, she was really interested in make-up. She told me how they have to do their own, and have no make-up books--that it wasn't fair that they were famous and had no means of learning make-up. I ran upstairs and got Kevin's book, "Making Faces." I brought it down to her and showed her. She was so happy to see everything, but I couldn't let go of the book, at least not then. For the next few weeks, I thought about it a lot. "That book means so much to me. It changed my life, as ridiculous as that sounds. What do I do? Do I give it away?" The morning that Vesnja was leaving, it kept bothering me. 10 minutes before she had to leave, I ran up and opened the book. I looked through the pictures, and got really sad. It may sound stupid and lame, but when you feel that you have to let go of something that inspired you so much, it's always a sad thing, but it's NOT stupid or lame. I took out a pen, and wrote on the inside cover how much the book meant to me, but how much Vesnja and the time we spent together meant, too. It was a long letter that took up the whole page. I walked downstairs, and handed her the book. She looked at me and started crying. Here I would be left without Vesnja and my book. I started crying too and just attached myself to her. She was such an inspiration to me, and I have NEVER had such a hard time letting go of someone. She was someone I looked up to, could talk to about my dreams, because she had the same ones. I took her to SFMOMA to see incredible art, bookstores to buy screenplays, little coffee shops here and there for her espresso, Chinatown, anywhere and everywhere, and we laughed the entire time. Her ex-husband beat her, her Mom had just died, her Grandmother was cut up into pieces by soldiers during the war, she had health problems, no money, but she was a famous actress and was living her dream. She glowed when she pulled out magazines with her and her friends trickled all throughout the pages. If I would give anyone a book that was so inspiring, it would be to someone who has inspired me equally.
When I heard that Kevin died, I was really upset and hurt. But I was happy that I passed his inspiration on to someone so worthy of help and inspiration herself. I feel good that my book is sitting in her theatre with other talented actors--I got so much from it already, so it would have only been selfish if I kept it.
I guess when you lose someone or something that inspires you, the only thing you can do to keep them or it alive is to pass on the inspiration to others, which is what I did.
